Mithra Trust
Decision to stay in an abusive relationship
If one decides to stay on in a relationship that has been abusive, violent or a threat to them, here are some things to consider:
​
-
They may be at risk of further abuse/harm/violence
-
They should (if possible) have a safety plan in place for when things get out of hand or dangerous for you
-
Their safety remains a priority and they have the full and unconditional freedom to pursue any course of action that prioritizes their safety.
Keeping these things in mind, here's a checklist to keep in mind while continuing to remain in this relationship:
Keep a trusted friend or relative informed:
It is important that this trusted individual listens without judgement and is available to offer support when needed. It is important for one to let them know what is going on and to communicate one's decision to stay.
Make an emergency list:
List all the options to address an emergency situation. This involves mapping trusted friends and allies, and their contact information. It also involves listing organisations, lawyers, and medical support providers to turn to for help.
Get your fuck-off-fund ready:
A decision to stay could be made for financial reasons, or because one does not have a job and is unsure of how they will survive if they leave. There is no shame in finding oneself in such a situation. One good though is that one can always prepare for the future. Start with finding a job or getting an education that will help find a job. Once one begins earning, it may be a good idea to start saving money - no matter the amount. A good practice is to ensure that this money is saved in a separate bank account that one's partner does not have access to, or in cash in a place one's partner cannot easily find. It is also a good idea to calculate monthly expenses and work towards saving, at least for a start, the amount needed for six months. Avoid saving this money in a joint account with the abusive partner. It is best for one's money to be exclusively accessible only to them, and in case of an emergency, by one other trusted person.
Keep your go-to bag ready:
Sometimes, things escalate and one may find oneself in a situation where they have to leave for their safety or that of their dependents. In such situations, it's important to take key, vital documents along. Keep an emergency bag ready with essentials including documents (originals) that are important - both for oneself and their dependents. If possible, keeping one's go-to bag at a trusted friend or family member’s place is a good idea: This bag can be built by sneaking these items out one by one, or with the support of the trusted friend.
As a general measure, focus on getting these documents in order as they apply to you:
-
Driver's licence
-
Aadhaar card (or other social security documentation if from another country)
-
PAN card
-
Voter ID
-
Degree and other educational certificates
-
Passports
-
Birth certificates
-
School documents
-
Ownership/Lease documents with your name
-
Medication for you
-
Medication for your children
-
Cash
-
Debit and credit cards
-
Jewellery
-
Other movable assets of high value
-
Proof of joint account and sharing of income (if any) i.e., any legal documents like property ownership, house lease, etc. with your name on it
-
Pictures/videos/medical reports from past incidents of abuse
-
One set of clothes for each person who is leaving
-
A fully charged, basic phone with a new SIM card that the abuser is not aware of
Take time to evaluate your situation:
Where one is not clear on whether or not to leave, it may help evaluate the advantages and disadvantages of leaving and staying. It may help understand the kind of support one has in order to leave – for some survivors, that may be a tipping point in making the decision. It is a good idea to take stock of all that one can count on while making the decision to leave.
Collect evidence:
Record evidence, if and when possible, of all abuse faced. It is important to document instances and save records as evidence of instances of abuse, in order to leave or press charges in the future.
Prepare your children:
If one has children, it is a good idea to help them understand that they can speak up and talk to someone they trust about what’s going on. Give them a code word that they can use if they’re facing an emergency and want your intervention. Remember to let them know that they can tell you anything.
Clear dangerous objects from reach:
Keep sharp objects, weapons, flammable substances, and fire-generating devices away. It is preferable to keep them out of access at all times, or in safe places where the abusive relative or partner cannot get to them easily. However, remember that these should be accessible in case of an emergency. Throw away any dangerous chemicals in the house and opt for softer and non-corrosive cleaning substances instead of acid. At all times, keep the police helpline on speed dial.
Keep a spare phone:
If possible from an affordability and safety perspective, consider investing in a spare phone with important and trusted numbers stored in it. It need not be a smartphone, but one that will allow one to make and receive calls in case of an emergency. Keep the knowledge of this phone’s existence away from the abuser, as this phone can help one to reach for help when they most need it. Regardless, keep all phones and devices fully charged (if using a prepaid card, ensure there is sufficient balance).
Ensure room for escape:
If one is in an argument or a volatile situation with the abuser, make sure to move to a room that one cannot be trapped in, where there are no weapons, sharp objects, or things that can be thrown, including inflammable substances, acid, kerosene, or oil. Learn all relevant escape and safe routes to get out of any space within the house or space in which one may be confined within. It is a good idea to create ventilated spaces that are not confining or in any way capable of being made use of to trap an individual.
Self-defence:
Learning some form of self-defence to protect oneself against any harm or threats has been known to be a useful skill. Self-defence may not be everyone's preference and that is okay: If it works, one advantage of knowing self-defence mechanisms is that it is a good way to gain confidence, and physical and emotional strength.
Stay true to yourself:
If the decision is to stay on, it is important to understand that one's own safety and peace of mind are a priority. One should neither work on changing their abuser nor changing oneself for the abuser to avoid violence. Violence is never the fault of the person being targeted with it.
In case of a change in behaviour:
If the abusive person sincerely wants to change their behaviour, it is a good idea to help them seek professional advice. However, if one finds themseves being threatened or harmed in any fashion, or if one's behaviour is being controlled by the abusive individual in the name of changing themselves, it is not likely that your abuser will change.
Set your boundaries:
Set boundaries, and identify that one has a threshold they are entitled to – and beyond that threshold, no abuse shall be tolerated.
In case of substance or alcohol abuse:
If one's partner is a substance abuser or an addict, it is important to understand that it is not only the substance that makes them violent. Even though they may become visibly abusive only when they are drunk or intoxicated, the real problem lies deeper. It is important that the addiction be addressed, but it is just as important that the violent tendency also be directly addressed if and when they are ready to seek help. This is because both tendencies have a negative impact on one's well-being and safety.