Mithra Trust
Decision to leave an abusive partner
In an abusive or violent relationship, choosing to leave or to stay is one's personal decision. If the decision is to leave, a few points to remember are:
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Survivors are not at fault for leaving an abusive relationship.
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Survivors are not the guilty party in this dynamic for facing abuse.
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Survivors deserve safety, peace of mind and freedom from abuse and violence.
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Survivors are entitled to seek help.
Leaving an abusive relationship is not easy. It is useful to remember that one is a strong person for taking steps to protect themselves. None of what happened to a survivor is their fault. It is fully possible to love the abusive partner or family member – and that’s okay. But the abusive relationship is not good for one's own and their dependents' safety.
Here’s a checklist of things one can do before leaving:
Decide where to go:
A few things to think about at this point include contemplating whether to rent a room or a house in the same city, or to live with one's parents, siblings, or friends, or to move into a shelter home. Depending on the situation, the risk one's abusive partner poses, one's support systems and state of mind, and the number of dependents one has, among other things, the answer to these questions will differ. But, it is generally helpful to have a clear answer before deciding to leave. One could call on their trusted friends and family, or a domestic violence helpline to seek advice before making a decision.
Getting there:
Avoid being vague. Memorise a step-by-step plan while getting out of the house (like when the abuser is at work, or at night when they’re asleep). Think of the mode of transport to use (one's own vehicle, or a friend's vehicle, or public transport), how payments will be made for tickets or the ride (cash or UPI or online payment); who will be informed as soon as one gets into the preferred mode of transport (if a friend or family member is waiting somewhere). While taking any dependents along, it is a good idea to plan for more contingencies and perhaps plan to leave in stages, where one can send their dependants to a friend or family member’s place in the guise of a function or other engagement, and pick them up from there.
Getting a fuck-off-fund ready:
Based on the preferred site for accommodation, the amount of income one's partner was contributing toward their expenses, and how long it might be before one can find a job if they decide to live anonymously for some time, one will need a regular stream of money, and in cash, as far as possible. This means that one's timeline to escape may become longer than anticipated, but unless one is in immediate danger, it is a good idea to make sure one has enough money before leaving. With a longer timeline, one can save more. On a shorter timeline, one can rely on friends and family to offer monetary support. This can look like crowdfunding, or seeking temporary support through a living arrangement. Calculate how much money is necessary to cover rent, groceries, essential bills and commute for at least six months. Try to get as close to that number as possible. Remember to not save this money in a joint account or an account with the abusive partner. Money should be accessible by the individual survivor alone, and in case of an emergency, by one other trusted person.
Building a go-to bag:
This bag should contain essentials including documents (originals) that are important for oneself and one's dependents. Depending on the situation – for instance, if the abuser keeps constant tabs and it is difficult to plan a proper day and time for departure – one may have to leave at a moment’s notice. Keeping a go-to bag ready will mean that one can escape without delay. If possible, one can keep the go-to bag at a friend or family member’s place by sneaking items out one by one to build the full bag. ​
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Check off whichever items in the following list applies to you:
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Driver's licence
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Aadhaar card or other social security documentation
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PAN card
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Voter ID
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Degree and other educational certificates
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Passports
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Birth certificates
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School documents
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Ownership/Lease documents with your name
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Medication for you
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Medication for your children
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Cash
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Debit and credit cards
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Jewelry
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Proof of joint account and sharing of income (if any) i.e., any legal documents like property ownership, house lease, etc. with your name on it
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Pictures/videos/medical reports from past incidents of abuse
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One set of clothes for each person who is leaving
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A fully charged, basic phone with a new SIM card that your abuser is not aware of
Prepare dependents:
If one has children, pets, or other dependents who need to leave with them, prepare them about leaving, and - in the case of children or other dependents, identify what they should say if anyone asks probing questions, including the abuser. With very young children, it may be safer not to tell them the full plan, or to share only the parts that will prepare them without tipping off the abuser. Make decisions according to the situation, and discuss with trusted persons or a domestic violence helpline if needed. One's identity and circumstances - including experiences of marginalisation and discrimination because of their identity - can bring up specific challenges for you. Here are some things one can keep in mind:
If one is a married cisgender woman or an AFAB person married to a cisgender man:
There are many protections available to this category of people under the Domestic Violence Act. One can get a restraining order against their husband, and seek maintenance and alimony from him during divorce. These are rights guaranteed by law, and there is no reason to either be afraid of or be ashamed of asking for these things. Consult a lawyer or a domestic violence shelter to understand all the protections available and how best to use them.
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One's family and community may not be supportive of the decision to leave an abusive husband. That does not mean that one cannot find other support systems. Loved ones who do not stand by a survivor in your time of need should rethink their decisions – not the other way around.
In present times, it is also possible that one's case may become public. This may result in trolling, abuse, and pushback on the Internet from people who call themselves ‘men’s rights activists’, as well as garden variety sexists. Prepare to ignore them, and have a plan in place for what to do if this escalates – for instance, filing a cyber police complaint.
If one is a cis woman or AFAB person in an unmarried live-in relationship with a cis man:
While a person involved in a live-in relationship does not have the same rights and protections as one living in a marriage under Indian law, several courts have over the years delivered judgements that have expanded some of these protections to those in live-in relationships. Relying on a good lawyer will be help understand specific rights better. Seek the support of a lawyer if necessary.
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If one's case becomes public, it is possible that one may face shaming and moral policing from people around - both known and unknown. Prepare to ignore them and focus on self-preservation.
If one is a cis person in a relationship with another cis person of the same gender:
Unfortunately, the legal protections available to a queer couple are minimal. However, that does not mean that a good lawyer cannot find ways of getting a survivor their rights. Legal fights in India are long and arduous, so if one decides to go the legal route, it is useful to be prepared for the full journey.
If one is a trans person in a relationship with a cis person:
Here, two things to consider. If one is a transgender woman legally married to their cisgender partner, then all rights and protections available to a cisgender woman will be available to them as well – including maintenance, alimony, property rights etc. Make sure to contact a good lawyer or queer support network.
If one is not legally married, or is a transgender man married to a cisgender woman, unfortunately there are few legal precedents. If one is able to fight a legal case – which can be long and difficult – it is important to have a good lawyer, and to be prepared for the full journey.
If one is a cis person in a relationship with a trans person:
Unfortunately, there are hardly any legal precedents for one's protection and rights in this context. If one is able to fight a legal case – which can be long and difficult – it is important to have a good lawyer, and to be prepared for the full journey.
If one is a trans person in a relationship with a trans person:
If one is a trans woman legally married to a trans man, the Domestic Violence Act and other protections and rights available to married cisgender women do apply, including maintenance, alimony, property rights etc. Make sure to contact a good lawyer or queer support network.
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Unfortunately, in any other scenario, there are hardly any precedents for protection. If one is able to fight a legal case – which can be long and difficult – it is important to have a good lawyer, and to be prepared for the full journey.
While it is difficult for all queer persons to deal with law enforcement officials and courts, this is especially true for trans persons who routinely face humiliation, physical and sexual violence from the police. Please do keep this in mind before approaching the police or courts – have a plan of action ready to deal with them if they misbehave. Make sure to have a good lawyer to fight the case in court.